The Science of Feeling like an Outsider

Why we all feel like we don't belong (and what to do about it)

I had a surprising conversation with one of the moms at my daughter’s school this morning. We don’t know each other well, but things got deep fast. I love when this happens.

We began the conversation with an observation that emotions seem contagious, especially around children. She then told me about last week's parent-teacher conferences, where something interesting happened.

One parent bravely shared that their child feels like an outsider, like they don't fit in. Soon, every parent in the room was commenting in recognition—all of their children feel exactly the same way.

What struck me most was the context: this is happening at our Waldorf school, widely considered one of the best in the country. These children are remarkably kind, collaborative, and well-behaved. There's very little bullying. They're explicitly taught about love and community. And yet, nearly all of them feel like outsiders.

If you're reading this thinking, "I feel that way too," I already know that's true. Not because I'm being presumptuous, but because almost all of us are wired to feel this way.