Interview: Anonymous

On Founder PTSD, Broken Systems, and Why I Do This Project

Some interviews I do are never published. And often, it’s for good reason. The things we end up talking about are things that could get them sued or incite retaliation from those involved in their story.

This week’s is one of those interviews. It was with a founder who raised tens of millions of dollars and eventually sold his startup to a giant tech company. But few people know that he grew up in an oppressive, abusive environment, and found himself victim to similar dynamics in Silicon Valley.

I wanted to include a small, anonymized bit of our interview to share why I do this project, and why I don’t mind if I do interviews that never get published at all.

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I just want to thank you for being so open about all of this. I want to share something with you about why these conversations are so meaningful to me. 

This year, I was diagnosed with PTSD. And part of PTSD recovery is forcing yourself to get back into the world and do things that scare you. So part of this is about me just getting back outside and learning how to talk to people again. 

People ask me what my “goal” is with this project. Because that’s how we’re wired in Silicon Valley. Everything is tied to some target market or exit plan. 

And the truth is, this project isn’t about having a goal, or “succeeding” or whatever.  It's just about the conversations right now. And my phone could explode and this conversation could be lost, or you could decide not to let me publish this, and it wouldn’t matter because this conversation is helping me heal, and I think it’s helping you too.

Wow, thank you. And I’m so glad you got that diagnosis.

I know you can relate to this. When you're raised to think that you're the problem, you assume that whatever you’re experiencing in adulthood is completely your fault, or a personal deficiency. And after Haus I was in a really, really bad place. 

After a year, I was not improving. So I met with a team of psychiatrists to tell me what was wrong with me, so I could get to work on fixing it. And they were like, “You are remarkably self-aware and functional. You don’t have a disorder. You just have severe PTSD because of what you’ve been through.” 

To have a team of psychiatrists tell me that I'm not the problem, and it’s the things I experienced that were problematic? That has completely changed my healing trajectory and is the only reason I'm able to hold a conversation with you right now.

I'm so happy to hear that. I also have to tell you the funny joke going around, which is that PTSD actually stands for “Post-Traumatic Startup Disorder.” I'm slowly coming to a very strong belief that there is a very specific form of PTSD that is endemic to startups. And it is real PTSD. High pressure systems. The power structures. It is more often than not, some of the worst human behavior masquerading as the best, most enlightened behavior. And for those two things to coexist. It’s not good.

And the double edged sword of working in an industry with so much privilege is that all of us—especially from underrepresented or oppressive backgrounds—are telling ourselves “we're so privileged, we're so privileged. We’re lucky to be here.” And it is true, but it also doubles as a useful coping mechanism—a way to excuse behavior that is not acceptable. 

Yeah, it's something that's been underpinning our entire conversation but hasn't been directly addressed: the level of honesty within this ecosystem. It boils down to questions like, how honest can you truly be? With yourself? With your co-founder? With your investors? From my experience, it felt like we were always in PR mode. There's a certain level of constant image management happening in every relationship and every interaction. It's an exhausting dynamic. 

There's a lot of polished PR going on everywhere. What feels truly essential to me is creating an environment where people can start peeling back their layers. Not necessarily all at once, but even just allowing individuals to be candid with themselves, maybe for the first time. Speaking of which, I don't know if you caught it, but Sam Altman recently posted a piece on founder depression. It struck me because if someone like Sam is addressing this topic... Well, I've never met him personally, but from what I gather...

I photographed him once. He seems like one of the good ones. 

And if Sam can raise his hand, does that mean that other people can, too? Like, that was my hope reading that. 

Oh, there's such a shift happening. I know because I've been having these conversations long before this project. It's happening, slowly but surely.

I’m talking to founders that look so amazing on the outside, who are raising money, who are being celebrated for their exits. And they are in fucking rehab. They are dealing with addictions and complete mental breakdowns in the background. 

And we’re talking about it in the background. Things are shifting whether it’s out in the open or not. 

The fact that we're even having this conversation and open to it being published shows an extraordinary amount of growth for both of us. Having the ability to say this stuff out loud.

Thank you for doing this project. Because honestly, it's the loneliest. And when you realize that you actually aren't alone, that's a massive shift. 

I want to say this conversation brought excitement, but it's more like hope. So I appreciate you.